Facebook
Twitter
Instagram

January 24, 2021

cropped-headersmaller-1.png

en temps de peste

Since March 16th

  • poetry
  • journals
  • guides
  • fiction
    • The Valour of Quinn McFoule
  • interviews
  • art
  • about us
  • donate
  • submit
  • contact
  • poetry
  • journals
  • guides
  • fiction
    • The Valour of Quinn McFoule
  • interviews
  • art
  • about us
  • donate
  • submit
  • contact

Goodbye, Handshakes

  • April 19, 2020
  • 9:50 pm
  • Florida
Perhaps one day a new fist-bump will evolve to take its place, but don’t count on it. Some institutions were never meant to last forever.
thehandshake

Matt Robinson

If you enjoy this piece, please consider a small donation. You can find the link to the author’s personal Venmo/PayPal profile (or a donation fund of their choice) in the byline below.

Art by the author

 

Once upon a time, we shook hands like we were running for office. See a familiar face at the coffee shop? Shake. Introduced to a new person, freshly come to town? Shake. Make a deal? Shake on it. The simple joy of human touch through fingers and palms firmly linked was ours to savor. Remember those days?

Now, of course, we know we’ll never again clasp extremities so freely. Our introductions will assume a more formal convention, and we’ll never know for sure upon meeting someone that they’re not holding a dagger, ready to strike. While it is lamentable that this venerated form of greeting joins the payphone and the compact disc in complete irrelevance, we must recognize the benefits of maintaining manual distancing. 

Most relevantly, the risk of viral infection will be minimized. Hands are notoriously filthy. You wipe your ass with those fingers! Don’t worry, you know I do too. However, there are benefits beyond simple hygiene that will be reaped from elimination of the handshake.

Douchebags won’t get the chance to surreptitiously squeeze your hand in an attempt to demonstrate their superior strength. We’ve all had to deal with That Guy, the one who is so blisteringly insecure that he has to satisfy his need to be the alpha male in the room by crushing the hand of anyone he finds potentially threatening. Now he’ll have to rely upon his wit and charm to show his primacy, and since he commands neither, can be dismissed by the rest of us out of — well, out of hand.

Of course it’s a shame that the good, firm handshake that once felt so affirming between two respectful people must go extinct as well, but so must the flaccid “limp fish” handshake that was typically a red flag for general creeps and child predators.

And you could usually tell if someone was a good person by whether or not they looked you in the eye while shaking. A stranger with nothing to hide made eye contact when pumping hands; sour misanthropes looked askance when they deigned to shake the hand of a perceived lesser. We will just have to compulsively judge a person’s character by other, more creative means from now on.

And lo! how we will mourn the loss of the laboriously fancy handshakes — the ritualized hand jive of the intimately friendly; the practiced routine of the dap and finger snap; the humble high five, in all its iterations. Goodbye fair salutations, goodbye!

Elbow bumps will never replace the glory of the handclasp. Perhaps one day a new fist-bump will evolve to take its place, but don’t count on it. Some institutions were never meant to last forever, and this old habit now falls on the infectious sword of modernity.

Alas, fair handshake, begone! We will miss you sorely. I once loved gripping another’s grip in my grip, but I’m not willing to die for it.

And don’t even speak to me about hugs.

 


 

Matt Robinson
Matt Robinson is a freelance writer, occasional street poet and pseudonymous essayist, furloughed from work and isolated in Florida. He hopes to see New Orleans again soon.
Donate to Matt on PayPal at wmattr@gmail.com.

Help IH and our writers: share this piece!

Share on facebook
Facebook
Share on twitter
Twitter
PrevPreviousThree Poems
NextDon’t Let Abortion Get Swept Up in the PandemicNext

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

siteitcon
  • about us
  • donate
  • submit
  • contact
Menu
  • about us
  • donate
  • submit
  • contact
Facebook
Twitter
Instagram

Send us your quotes here.

©Infection House 2020